Toska
by IceePheonix
Summary: Toska- A Russian word referring to spiritual anguish with no apparent cause. Because even when Ryouga's mind has forgotten, his heart hasn't, not entirely.


As Ryouga lay in bed he touched his hand to his cheek, the skin damp from tears. For the third time in as many nights he'd woken up with tears on his cheeks, a dull ache in his chest and no apparent cause for either.

He closed his eyes, trying to recall his dream and what made him feel this way. Just like every other time he came up with nothing, except a feeling of intense sadness, a face he couldn't recall and a voice he couldn't hear.

"Ryouga!" Rio's voice called up from the living room. "You're going to be late again! "

With a sleepy groan he crawled out of bed, took a glance at his clock and was awake in an instant.

"Honestly, you should just learn to set your alarm," said Rio as he came barreling down the stairs, still fighting with the tie on his uniform and only one sock on. "Breakfast is on the table, you have five minutes."

"Five?! Rio there's no way I can finish getting ready and eat in that time."

"Well, that's your problem for sleeping in," she said, jabbing a finger in his face. "If you would actually set your alarm we wouldn't have this problem. And you can get yourself to school this time, I'm not going to be late because of you."

Ryouga gulped, watching as she turned on her heel and left.

"Damnit! I only have five minutes!"

 _"I guess I'll be seeing you on the other side then," said Ryouga with a smile as he looked to Yuma, the pulse of the Numeron code glowing in his hands. Everyone else had already been revived and returned, he was the last one._

 _Yuma's expression shifted into a sad smile, "I'm sorry Shark."_

Ryouga found himself taking an extraordinarily long way to school, passing though a neighbourhood a few blocks over despite knowing no one living there.

A trash bot cleaning the front yard of one of the houses regarded him with a 'you suck' before going back to sweeping.

He was almost 10 minutes late for school.

 _"Yuma no, you can't do this!" Ryouga's legs shook as he reached for Yuma's gloved hands._

 _"I have to Shark, there's no other way."_

 _"But remaining here? As a vessel?"_

"Todoroki Takashi?"

"Here!"

The teacher nodded as he finished roll call, putting away the attendance sheet. "Alight, it seems everyone's here."

' _No they're not!_ ' thought Ryouga with a frown. ' _There still someone missing._ ' He wanted to leap up and tell the teacher that, that someone was absent, a name caught on the tip of his tongue that he couldn't quite remember. He was sure of it someone was missing.

Throughout the day he found his gaze drawn to an empty window seat in the classroom, and he wasn't sure why. It had always been empty, and yet the sight of it filled him with sadness.

 _"Then don't send me back!" Ryouga grabbed Yuma's hands in his own, tears stinging the corner of his eyes as he met Yuma's mismatched orange and gold ones. "Let me stay."_

 _Yuma looked at him sadly, "I can't, and it wouldn't be fair. What about Rio, would you leave her alone?"_

 _Ryouga shook his head, "What about Akari? What about the rest of us? Why can't Astral do this alone? Why do you have to stay too?"_

During lunch there'd been a moment, while Vector had been rambling about something, that he'd felt a sear of rage towards him and the urge to hit him with a textbook. He shook the feeling away, Vector may have been a bit annoying at times, but he'd never done anything to warrant that level of violence. Besides, he hurt himself on accident enough as it was.

"Shark?" Vector gave him a curious look as he leaned forwards. "Earth to Shark."

Ryouga flinched slightly at the nickname. "It's Ryouga to you," he said, poking Vector's forehead. "You don't get to call me Shark."

"Then who does?"

Ryouga opened his mouth to respond but closed it again wordlessly. He wanted to reply, there was someone who called him 'Shark', only one person, but he wasn't sure whom.

 _"Because I alone am not strong enough," said Astral, arms folded over his chest as he materialized beside Yuma. "The Numeron code would overwhelm me, this is the only way. I am sorry Ryouga."_

 _He looked back to Yuma and Astral's fused form, and noticed, for the first time, tears glistening in the corners of his eyes._

 _"Yuma...how am I going to explain to everyone?"_

 _"You won't," said Yuma with a sad smile, moving to cup Ryouga's face in his hands. "Because, you won't remember. No one will."_

Ryouga awoke with a choked sob as he buried his face into his pillow, the wave of sadness rolling over him again.

It took him several moments to calm down and for his sleep addled brain to process that he was awake.

' _It's just a dream,_ ' he thought. ' _But why can't I remember it?_ ' The more he tried to think on it, the faster it slipped away, like smoke through his fingers, and the worse he felt. A flash of ruby red was all he could remember.

"Rio? What's 'kattobingu'?"

Rio stared at Ryouga from across the kitchen table, her cup half way to her mouth. "I don't know Ryouga," she said after a moment. "What IS kattobingu?"

He scrunched his face up, "I don't know that's why I asked you."

"I'm pretty sure it's a word you made up. Unless Vector's been screwing with you again."

He sighed, "No, he has nothing to do with this."

"So where did you hear it?"

He hesitated, where had he heard that strange word? "A…dream," he said finally, it was as good a response as any.

"Then it's probably just a nonsense made up word."

Ryouga frowned, no that couldn't be right, it had a meaning, an important one, he just knew it did, but he wasn't sure what.

 _"I wish there was another way Shark," said Yuma, unmerging from Astral as he took Ryouga's hands in his. "But, there isn't. We can't leave the Numeron code unprotected, it's to dangerous." He momentarily closed the gap between them, lacing his fingers through Ryouga's as he did so. A pressing silence fell over them, only broken when Yuma moved back, red eyes meting blue. "I'll never forget you Shark, even though you won't remember me."_

 _"What are you talking about Yuma? Of course I'll remember you, I could never forget you."_

 _Yuma shook his head sadly, hands slipping from Ryouga's as his form glowed and he merged with Astral once again. "Once you leave here everything will be the way it should be, and it'll be like Astral and I never existed."_

Ryouga sighed as he stared up at the night sky, flat on his back in the grass. It was peaceful, almost nostalgic and he momentarily found himself gazing at the empty spot in the grass beside him. He could almost picture someone sitting there, laughing and smiling and exuding warmth that made his heat soar.

He gripped his chest as his heart twisted in pain again, like he was missing someone, someone important. ' _I wonder, do you miss me, as much as I miss you? Whoever you are?_ '

Looking back at the sky, he found his gaze inexplicably drawn up the constellation of the dragon as it wove up and around the Great Bear. Perhaps it was his imagination, but the stars seemed a bit brighter than usual.

Somewhere, in the ether between worlds, in a vast and endless cosmos, a figure shifted. A warm golden glow pulsed through their form, all the way from the core of their chest to the tips of the shimmering white wings that curled around them.

"Was this really the right choice Astral?"

"There was no other choice, this was the only way to protect the Numeron Code. To leave it vulnerable would be to invite disaster. This way, no one can abuse it again."

"I know, but it hurts I miss them. I miss, _him_."

"I'm sorry Yuma, you never should have had to go through this. If there had been another way…"

"I know, you told me before. You don't have to apologize; after all it's not your fault Astral. I never blamed you."

"At least they are all at peace, we couldn't have asked for more. Now sleep, please,"

With a soft sigh, the figure pulled in on itself, wrapping their arms around their knees, which were drawn up to their chest, and curling their wings around their body like a protective cocoon. Curled uptight as they slumbered, they resembled nothing more than a shimmering ball of light, a lonely star.


End file.
